"A life of boredom", or "I need some changes"

Today I Just said, "I'm bored of life", I never realized I've been feeling like this since November of the last year.

I realized I feel so underachieving, that it hurts.

It is not about me not doing anything, because I know I'm still doing things, I noticed how to manage my depressions, I know what to do, I've learnt that I can tell certain people when I feel bad, and taught them if by any chance they get sick of it, they will tell me, and I can stop.

Well I know, it is not about that, I guess is about me not doing something I like, figuring out what’s wrong and what to do, yes, I know it I good and everything, but, I want to be able to do more thing, much more than playing video games, and reading, or watching series, and trying to write, yes I love to writs, it is awesome, but I need more. I need my music, I need my guitar, I need to learn another language, I need to learn things, and I need to interact with more people who share this craving for more things.

I really need to get back studying something I like, I mean I liked to study journalism, a lot, but I learnt everything I liked, and decided I like something else, I decided because of all that happened, that I didn’t want to be somewhere I felt miserable, now I want to study literature, but I let myself auto sabotage every chance of studying or trying to get into the subject. I need to change before this boredom stays.

This good Robot - Call The Police

Ok, si, me siento mejor, me siento pero, a quien le importa un carajo, siempre hay quotes de canciones en mi vida, siempre las ha habido, definen el momento y el animo en el que me encuentro, basandome en esto, a veces me deprimen a veces me ayudan a sentirme mejor. Me apasiona poder decir como me siento en base a una canción en especifico, siempre he sido así, una persona que se deja llevar por sus pasiones. 

En los últimos días el ultimo año, mi vida a pasado de Nirvana a Gary Jules en cuestión de segundos, he tenido cambios de animo bastante radicales, no es como si no los tuviera en otros momentos de mi vida, pero es bastante frustrante no poder decir queme siento bien o mal, alegre, deprimido, enojado o eufórico. Me sienta como me sienta, ya basta. Si soy un monstruo, SO BE IT!

Empiezo a quererme como soy, tan horrible o tan maravilloso como sea que soy, no mas miedos, no mas precauciones, mientras no deje que los sentimientos me dominen todo estará bien.

"This is the human I am".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H88D76HeiLA

Al mismo tiempo pongo la canción "Call the police - This good robot" ya que es la contra parte, porque también:

"I've lost all the human I am"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn2T2lxzUxY

Dejo de negar quien soy.

Me siento completo, no necesito definir mi vida por como me sienta, sino por quien soy.

Y me gusta quien soy.

Lets us be free. V 2.0

This is a second version of a World of Darkness FIction I wrote for somebody really special 6 years ago, I found out, by google-ing myself, that my LJ account wasn’t closed, so while I was checking, i found it, and i decided to make some corrections and adding an ending to this short fic.

So here it is , enjoy:

Let us be free.

A dark silhouette standing, thinking, looking at Damian

Damian sitting on the floor watching his own hands: It was me, just me in the darkness…

I was lost, insecure, and then, then just silent. He came to me, not like he left me before, but then, he talked to me…

Dharamian arrogantly walking right through the darkness: You look lonely, even now when I’m near you … And the worst thing here is that you feel Exactly as pathetic as you look, don’t you?

Damian lifting his face to look into Dharamian’s eyes, those deep, pale eyes: Indeed, sometimes I ask myself “where did you came from and what do you want?" And you know what, I’ve gotten no answers in all these years.

Dharamian hugs Damian, like a father hugging his little son, with that tenderness and that love. He whispers in his ear: You know why you need me, I’m your strength, I’m your hatred… I’m you… the best of you!

Damian hugs Dharamian back: Yes, I know that, but I can’t even feel safe by your side anymore, I feel like you have ulterior motives, like you are compromised with someone else, with your own purpose, not with mine… I mean, ours…

Dharamian stops hugging Damian and holds his face tenderly with both hands, talking to him, their lips separated only by a few millimeters. And then, gently, with a sarcastic tone, he says: Of course I’m following your interests my dearest, but also mine, I refuse to be like yourself, those hidden secrets, wishes and desires. Then his lips slowly touches Damian’s face, his cheek, his ear: That is, after all, why I’m still here, I’m doing this for you, only for your own benefit. I can’t go because you can’t deny yourself, you can’t deny me.

Damian takes Dharamian’s hands off him. Yelling: YOU HURT PEOPLE, PEOPLE I LOVED, PEOPLE I CARED ABOUT. YOU ARE NOT HELPING ME, YOU ARE MAKING MY LIFE WORSE!!

Dharamian slaps Damian on his right cheek so he can crouch on top of him. Holding both of his hands against the floor as a fearsome predator giving a dead sentence to his prey, he slowly rubs his nose against Damian’s face while he talks: You can’t get rid of me, as you did with your childer, you can leave me on my one, to let another good doer like you take care of me. I’m your courage, and you know it. Come on, let you, sorry, let me be free, to do what you can’t with this pathetic waste of time you’ve called unlife. You got to understand my dearest, that you can’t run away from me, you have to embrace me, you have to feel the anger let this feeling flow through you so you, so I, so we can be complete, you need to let go, and let me be incharge.

Damian can only turn his head away from those eyes, those pale, hollow eyes, those eyes he sees when he’s not around, mesmerizing, the eyes of a beast he had been trying to avoid his whole life. not because they can do any damage to him, but because he knows what kind of damage they can inflict in people he loves, those same eyes where the reason he decided to leave his childer in better hands at London.

It’s then when he sees all the infamies those eyes had saw, had inflicted on innocent people. he could only tart crying: You bastard, why did you do all that to all those innocent people. Dharamian let go Damian’s hands and gets straight without getting off of him, with his left hand carefully takes of the hair to unveil his eyes, while with the right one does the same with Damian’s hair: I was just taking care of you my dearest, I would never let anything harm you, my most beautiful and precious thing in the whole wide world. But, if you keep being so stubborn, I’ll have to take some measures.

While he leans his head towards Damian’s, he gently traverse his lips through the wet path of tears, from his eyes to his ear, licking every drop, all the way through that painful path that was drawn almost all over his cheek, just to mutter him: Think of it, we are together in this, and I’ll never let you go.

The darkness covers the two silhouettes as the night falls in New York, and while the blood helps his body awake, as every other night, he can only observe his surroundings. A trashed and really decayed apartment with some furniture and the usual belonging, he looks for other people inside the apartment with him, but he is alone, and he can only think:  You need me more than I thought. My dearest fool.

This is based on my first Vampire: The Masquerade Character, a Deranged Malkavian (Yes, I know, it is really shocking to know I would write about deranged people) with D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder), more commonly known as multiple personalities.

I hope you liked it.

P.D. The moral of the story is:

Never google yourself at 3 in the morning, not when you are trying to write a short tale for a web magazine.

Never look back, always go up, never turn around, never fall (no, NO, NO!)

Ya estoy cansado de que cada momento es distracción o pensar en lo que no sera, ya me canse de que parece que piso la misma piedra, ya me canse de lo que soy, pero no puedo cambiarlo, o que puedo cambiar es como reaccionar ante lo que me sucede, seguir adelante, caerme y aprender... suena a algo que he dicho con anterioridad y con bastante severidad, es porque es mi manera de ver la vida, no puedo dejar de ser yo, no puedo arrepentirme de quien soy, soy quien soy por lo que he vivido y por como he reaccionado ante las situaciones que me ha presentado la vida.

Bien me lo han dicho:

"No hay medias naranjas ni almas gemelas, todos venimos a este mundo como seres enteros, las otras personas, esas a las que llamamos parejas solo complementan nuestra existencia de manera recíproca".

No importa quien sea, la capacidad de su vida, el destino que le ampare, no pueden cambiarme, no puedo cambiar por alguien mas, solo por mi mismo, y NO QUIERO CAMBIAR.

La gente no cambia solo resalta sus cualidades y defectos, y me gusta quien soy, me gusta que puedo controlar mi temperamento, me gusta conformar un ente complejo y abstracto tangible e intangible, ser yo, y darme la ilusión de ser alguien mas.

No me importa ser un corazón de pollo, no me importa que la gente piense que puede abusar de mi, no lo hacen yo lo permito. no es una amenaza de "ya no mas señor amable" el señor amable es parte de mi personalidad, pero ya no mas abusos.

No, NO, NO!

No mas auto compadecerme, SOY ASOMBROSO, ya viene siendo hora de actuar como quien soy.

Now Playing - You Know My Name - Chris Cornell & Can't Change Me - Chris Cornell

Still deppressed

Pues es verdad sigo de malas, deprimido, ahora mas ya que la unica persona que nunca me falla en mi cumpleaños este año si me fallara, mi mamá no va a venir a mi cumpleaños, me voy a quedar solo, bueno, no solo, ire a trabajar, uy que padre, llegare a casa y estare solo, puede que me compre algo de beber y me ponga pedo solo en mi casa, es la mejor opcion.
Si ya se me pongo emo siempre en mi cumpleaños, pero nimodo asi funciono y asi seguire funcionando...

Meh

Es la segunda vez que intento llevar una bitácora, diario, blog, etc, en el cual poner y expresar como me siento y esas cosas que la gente con titulo en psiquiatria o psicologia te piden que hagas, la verdad lo empiezo a sentir un poco necesario y pues como no me gusta eso de decírselo a mis amigos pues abrí esta cosa, como primera entrada decidí que todo esto apesta, no veo porque la gente decide que TODO el Internet pueda enterarse de lo que uno sienta o piense, esa necesidad enferma de demostrar como uno existe en un plano llamado "la Red" pero en fin eso ya seria contestado en un futuro, o en el pasado por Lain. de acuerdo se que hasta ahora mi discurso es un tanto... como decirlo, INCONGRUENTE, como criticar algo que estoy haciendo, pues damas y caballero, niños y niñas, es lo que llamamos: Autocritica, así es, abuso de la autocritica para poder tener una paz mental y anímica conmigo y por consiguiente con mis amigos, contactos y conocidos, es todo por hoy tal vez en la noche empiece a escribir mas guarradas :P