B.P.D.

i came to terms with something, now i know i suffer BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), i get how shitty this may be for some people, i tend to be manipulative, egotistical, but at the same time, hate my self an belittle me every so often it hurts people that love me and likes to be with me. But I wont use this as an excuse, as some people i know does, and i wont think less of them for doing so, because i'm no judge or jury on how others lie their lives.

i started therapy again, i did started it back on 2017, and now i started it back again as i started suffering panic attacks, so i needed the therapy more than ever, on 2017 i had to go back as suicidal thoughts kicked in again, along with the previously mentioned boredom, so i did and i felt better until now.

i read a lot of my exes status, information and blogs, pretending to do it because i worry, and i genuinely do, but also because i want to know if they ever think of me, like just to know I'm not just someone hey just used and never thought of him again, and i always get the same:

they never mention me, ever, like i never existed in their lives...

so then i get depressed, and it's like i'm looking for that depression, dunno how to stop that, i need to mention that to  my therapist... i want to get better and not only pretend i am...|